Slow Fade
I wrote this piece (at the end of this post) at the end of 2020. Broken and hurt and confused. It's 2022 and I'm a different person. I'm stronger. Happier.
I'm sharing this so that if someone feels the same...they can know they are NOT alone. The slow fade into a place you never thought you'd be.
But I'm also sharing this because I can tell you that there is light at the end of the dark tunnel. It might be a long tunnel. Your tunnel might be way longer than others, BUT there is light. There is hope. Hope for a better time.
I got divorced last year. I never thought I would be divorced, but it happened. And I met someone new. Someone who loves me for me and loves me well. I don't regret my 18 years of marriage to the wrong person because it all lead me to the right one. My true love.
I asked God for forgiveness for the person I became during those hard times, but I also forgave myself. I went through a hard thing and it's okay that I wasn't perfect. And it's okay if you're not perfect. It's okay if you're struggling. It's okay if you don't feel like yourself. It's okay not to be okay.
BUT here's the thing, my friend, you need to reach out for help. I found an amazing therapist and I had family and friends that helped me through this time. And God was there all along. I pushed Him away, but He was there. He was. And still is.
Here's the gospel of it all...Jesus loves us. Exactly where we are. Exactly who were are. And He will always love us. Please know that. Regardless of where you in your life or how you believe, know that He loves you. Someone loves you. I love you. Take care of yourself.
*This came from a sad place, but if you feel this too...know you aren't alone and reach out for help.
Years progress, you change, you grow. This year has become a year of testing for me. I'm being put through the fire and I'm sure the purpose is to be refined, but I'm not sure I'm even passing the test. The path before me is uncertain and shaky at best. I am rooted in Christ, but the world is pulling me at my roots. Tearing my leaves and stealing my fruit. As the Lord is pruning, the devil is stealing, and I'm left feeling bare.
For most, the world stopped in March. But for me, my world started spinning quickly and out of my control. My eyes were opened to the world around me and I didn't like what I saw. I looked in the mirror and didn't like that either.
Who is this girl? What happened to her? She used to sparkle and shine. She used to be happy all the time. Now, she looks
Empty. Sad. Disappointed.
Something happened to me in October 2019. I woke up one morning and something washed over me. Like someone peeled my eyes open for the first time and I was highly disappointed in my life. I realized that I had been lying to myself for years about my happiness. That I busied myself to the point that I didn't know what I felt because I was too busy to recognize any feelings.
Sleepless nights started which began the snowball of where I am today. My immune system took a huge hit. Stomach virus, ulcers, flu, sinus infection, strep, pneumonia, bronchitis, etc. I'm fairly certain I had Covid when I thought I had a sinus infection. I internalized everything. Let it eat me from the inside out.
Church was canceled and turned virtual. That ruined me. I don't do well with watching church from my tv or my computer. The absence of church every week affected me. I slowly began to slip out of my routines, my praying time, my Bible reading, etc. I slipped into a depressive state. My life was depressive.
I could see myself falling away. Pieces of me being chipped away. I could see it and yet, all I could do was stare. Watch the crumbling.
I am not a person who like confrontation. There are many in my life that have hurt me, but they will never know. I bottled it inside to avoid the confrontation of telling someone they hurt me. For whatever reason, my brain thinks that confrontation will hurt them and then hurt me and my empath self as well. It's not healthy, but here I am.
I got brave and finally confronted my pain. My unhappiness. I ignored it, bottled it, pushed it away for decades. I always assumed it would get better. It didn't. Then years and years passed and never changed. I always stayed so busy that I wouldn't let myself feel the hurt or address it.
Then I did.
The result was not what I envisioned. It was disappointing. Rejected. Excused.
My enneagram 9 personality just thought, "Well, give it time. It will get better. They will work to change things. They will do what it takes."
Weeks passed. Months. Nothing changed except the atmosphere that I created. I created this awkward air. I did this. And now I can't breathe in the air that I created. I can't thrive in this fog. I can't see anything outside of it. I can't even reach out to God without feeling the heavy weight of know I'm a disappointment to Him. That I caused this. My fear of confrontation has lead to this. A slow fade. He is who I need the most. Whose arms I need to lean on. But I'm afraid. Afraid to lean.
I took a step back. Away from the fog. And a heavy realization hit me.
It wouldn't matter what I did, what I said, what was done...this is what is. I am not a priority here. Of no value. If I was, things would be different. If I was, I wouldn't be typing this. Emotional eating, avoidance, self hate...none of that will solve this. The foundation that I once thought was strong was full of holes. It wasn't sand, but it wasn't solid. Full of holes, air, surface level. The answer is clear. I need to walk away.
But how? How do you walk away from all you've known.
How do you say hello to goodbye?
How do you say hello to goodbye
When defeat looks you right in the eye
When familiar road and faded dreams
Fill your mind and rip the seams
How do you begin the end
When the road is forked at the bend
When all seems to be at stake
Sighing breaths and hearts to break
How do you start the finish line
When all that's left is dead end sign
How do you introduce the farewell
I guess only time will tell
*
I said goodbye and I got to say hello to a brand new life and it's wonderful. Don't let the fear of "what if" keep you from making the best choices for you.
BE YOU. BE WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL YOU!
XOXO, Mandy