Being a sensitive, emotional person makes for an interesting life. Being a sensitive, emotional WRITER is just a complete mess. My emotional rollercoaster is constantly going up steep hills and taking sharp turns. The loops feel very loopy most days. The speed increases and I don't feel like my harness is secure. Surely I'm going to fall off.
I didn't ask to get on this ride and can someone let me off?
I've discovered over the past few months that I'm what they consider an empath. I've always been this way, but recently discovered the term. I take on what others feel. My feelings have feelings if you will. Being an empath is a blessing and a curse. My mind is a butterfly net for emotions. I catch them all.
I found this:
This is so true.
It's hard to determine which feelings are my own sometimes.
But despite being an empath, this year has been very difficult. My emotions are all over the place most days and I'm learning hard lessons. Lessons that I'm not sure I was prepared to learn.
I'm an author.
My right brain is highly active and my left brain is lacking (probably). I'm messy. Disorganized. Slightly irresponsible. I do not think logically. Reason and common sense are sort of lost on me sometimes.
Just me being me.
Doesn't always mesh well with the people I'm surrounded by. "Why can't you be on time? Why is your workspace a mess? Why did you forget to pay that bill? How do you find anything in here? Is that pile of laundry clean or dirty? Why are you the way that you are?"
I DON'T KNOW!
I never know where my keys are (found them in the fridge once), I'm messy and disorganized, I forget things, I never show up on time, but I wrote three novels. I cry constantly, I freak out sometimes, I'm dramatic and bratty, but I wrote three novels. I let things get to me, I throw hissy fits, I overreact and overthink, my feelings get hurt easily, BUT I WROTE THREE NOVELS.
I'm learning hard lessons living this author life. HARD LESSONS. Lessons that make me want to crawl in a hole and DIE! Being an indie author sounds hipster and cool. NEWSFLASH! It's hard! Writing, Editing, Revising, Book Covers, Blurbs, Marketing, Social Media, etc. That's all on me.
Now, I have learned that I need an editor and I'm grateful I found one. I've learned that critique groups, proofreaders, and beta readers are GOLD. I've found my tribe on Twitter. GOSH, I seriously have no idea how I've done life without them. I've met people that I no longer can live without.
I have two Facebooks, two Instagrams, and a Twitter account. It's a lot to keep up with. Twitter has become where I dwell most of the time. My tribe is there. My community of people that get it.
Here's the thing though...all my interactions, all my effort, all my time pouring into the lives of others does NOT equal book sales. Am I making invaluable relationships? YES! Am I selling a ton of books? No. Is that okay? Yeah...it's okay. I adore my friendships that I have made via Twitter. Some of those people are becoming my best friends that I've never met. Some I'd claim as family.
Selling books is HARD.
Marketing yourself is HARD.
Discovering your brand is HARD.
So...who am I? Who is this empath with too many feelings and a total mess?
I'm sparkly, bubbly, cotton candy sweet Mandy. I'm real and I don't hide my emotions. And I won't apologize for it. I smile most days, but don't need pressured to do so.
I write TOO sweet Hallmark-y romances that are precious and give you the warm fuzzies. My books have people with unrealistic lives, rare conflict (because who really wants to feel stressed? I mean, really?), and are adorable.
That might not be your flavor. And that's okay.
And that right there...that is a lesson I'm learning.
My writing might not be for everyone. It is not an attack on my person. It is not a reflection of me or my writing. It's just not for them.
And that's okay.
And here is something that is GLORIOUS about being an indie: I do what I want. I had an amazing editor. She gave the best advice, but in the end, I had control over what stayed in my book.
Do I have things that people are going to dislike? YUP
Are there going to be adverbs? YUP (because they are delicious and I'm keeping them)
Are there going to be conversations in the story that might feel unnecessary to some? Probably (But they are there on purpose or I wouldn't have included them. Read books 1 and 2 before you read book 3. That's how a series works.)
But my stories are MINE.
Some people are going to love them and some people are going to hate them.
AND THAT'S OKAY.
If you like a good predictable Hallmark movie, you'll love my books. If you don't, move along.
I'm emotional. I'm messy. I overthink. I overreact.
So, if you've made it this far, you probably think, "This chick is crazy." But thank you for reading the jumbled up mess that is my mind.
If you want to be a writer, do it!
If you want to be famous, go for it!
Just don't give up on your dreams and above all, be yourself.
And if you want to buy my books, that'd be cool too.
or whatever you wanna call me